I was laying on my bed watching TV this morning. I had just woken up, and if you don't know me that well, you wouldn't know that I am super crabby in the morning. (It isn't unusual for me to scream uncontrollably at whoever woke me up - Some of you can relate.) But anyways, there was this commercial that came on that made me want to barf yet laugh at the same time. It was this liquidy stuff called "Scalpicin" for dry crusty scalps. (By the way, this is an actual product.) The ad showed a guy who went up to this woman and she smiled very flirtaciously... but then she looked at his head and turned away with this, "Oh no you di-in't" look on her face. The man's face was suddenly wretchedly sad (good word, huh?) and he slowly turned and left the room. Then it showed the man using this Scalpicin crap and then (of course) he met the women again and they fell in love right then and there.
***Let me just interject here that even typing the name "Scalpicin" creeps me out.
It's almost as bad as that ad for nail fungus... you know what I'm talking about, the one where the little devil-creature goes up to this GIANT toe, rips the nail up (the nail is hinged on the back so it looks like an old cellar door) then DIVES INTO the red meaty toe. AGH! I hate that ad! But then I got to thinking about more ads, and realizing how many ads are on that are so stupid. Who comes up with these things...? Have any of you ever heard of the Injector? It's like a giant medicine dropper that inserts SOLID foods INTO OTHER SOLID FOODS. (It's on one of those channels that no one watches (6,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20-23) except me and my friends.
The first thing they inject in three WHOLE cloves of garlic into this huge roast meat (I don't remember what kind of meat it is.) What in the the heck is the point of that?? What if you were eating a piece of that meat and you bite into a whole clove of garlic? Sick! I believe (and my friends agree) that if you are going to inject solids into solids you should take a slab of pork, inject it into a steak, and then inject those two into a pile of beef. Then you fry 'em all up and have a little something I like to call, "Pile 'O' Meaty-Meat-Meats".
Let's play a little game. I have listed three products below and given a small description of each. Your job is to guess which two are fake and which one is real. OK, here we go!
1. Extractor (designed in the late 90's)
Spins foods of any nature using centrifugal force. Meaning, any food (ANY food) can be juiced, including bananas, breads or even croutons. The juice flows down an outside cranny until it reaches the "Cook'n Chamber" where it reaches the un-sanitary temperature of 100 degrees... Warm enough to let it mildew and cold enough to keep it rancid.
2. Crustinator Deluxe (designed in 2002)
The Crustinator and Crustinator Deluxe crustify fruits and vegetables. Just put the item into the Cruster-Clamp and your foods are coated with a heavy bread-crumb-like coating. After this step the machine automatically dunks it into the inner "Dunk'n Chamber" where the fruit (or veggie) soaks for about a half hour. When your item pops out, it's golden-deliciousness you've never experienced.
3. The Easy Bake Oven (designed in '91)
The Easy Bake is a small convection oven made for small children. The set comes with little baking pans and even cake and cookie mixes. The cakes bake for about 18 minutes (or until golden brown). Children of most ages (but usually little rich kids) have the EBO and love it.
Can you guess which one is REAL?
I am sick of writing! Well, it's off to dig up more food....I'm hungry.
November 25, 2004
November 19, 2004
Save the Last Brain Cell
"Save the Last Dance" --- a hip-hop groovin', styl'in movie that will make your head bob to the urban beats and dance songs of the new millennium. This early 2000's contemporary-urban "street style" movie was seen by every pre-teen/teen-age girl entering or currently in junior high. Each had the same secret desire floating through their minds - "When will someone see MY talent and discover my hot dancing ability?" Women who now deny this fact are lyers.
Can anyone honestly think this thought: "I can relate to Sarah." ?
Picture yourself there; the flashing lights and bumping bass pulsates through the club... The dance floor is packed (yet cool and breathable) and the alcohol flows freely to 16 and 17-year-olds who look at least 21. Sarah (the only white girl there) is dressed in low jeans, a hankie (on top) and 3-Ft hoop earrings. She shakes her thang on the dance floor, perfecting her dancing routine with her perfectly synchronized boyfriend, Derek. The crowd erupts in chanting, "GO SARAH! GO SARAH!" Hands bob up and down as the two do their synchronized dance groove over and over....and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until the viewer (ANY viewer, my 900-year-old grandma included) could do the dance with one hand, one leg, and a bunch of other necessary body parts tied behind their backs.
The next day in first hour, an energetic and alert Sarah looks around and smiles pleasantly. Her 3am bedtime has little to no effect on her studies, friends or teachers.
Meanwhile, out in the hall, a gun is being held to Derek's head. The principle walks by, "Good morning boys --oop, is that a 38? Oh, my bad, it's a 33... have fun guys." He continues his slow saunter to the teachers lounge where there is a massive teacher/staff party. He opens the door and beams of multi-colored light flood out onto the almost empty halls. He shuts the door behind himself and Ms. Benson, the librarian, grabs his hand and pulls him onto the dance floor...."aaaahhhhh.. FREAK OUT!"
"Yo, D - if you ain't got my back tonight, I don't know if I can let you date....her." Derek's "friend" holds the gun closer to his head. Derek, who has obviously gone to a different school for English class, replies with a professor-like attitude. "First of all---G--- (he rolls his eyes) "ain't" is not a word. And no, I don't have your back tonight. I will hang out with you and your "peeps" (he does the quotes thing with his fingers) but I am not going to hurt anyone. This highly violent culture has obviously intoxicated you in an irrepriable way."
"Dude...huh?" Home-G-Doggy-Dog Bone looks confused, but Derek continues.
"And please don't "diss" Sarah... there's something going on with her and I need find out what it is."
*** Later that night...***
Can anyone honestly think this thought: "I can relate to Sarah." ?
Picture yourself there; the flashing lights and bumping bass pulsates through the club... The dance floor is packed (yet cool and breathable) and the alcohol flows freely to 16 and 17-year-olds who look at least 21. Sarah (the only white girl there) is dressed in low jeans, a hankie (on top) and 3-Ft hoop earrings. She shakes her thang on the dance floor, perfecting her dancing routine with her perfectly synchronized boyfriend, Derek. The crowd erupts in chanting, "GO SARAH! GO SARAH!" Hands bob up and down as the two do their synchronized dance groove over and over....and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until the viewer (ANY viewer, my 900-year-old grandma included) could do the dance with one hand, one leg, and a bunch of other necessary body parts tied behind their backs.
The next day in first hour, an energetic and alert Sarah looks around and smiles pleasantly. Her 3am bedtime has little to no effect on her studies, friends or teachers.
Meanwhile, out in the hall, a gun is being held to Derek's head. The principle walks by, "Good morning boys --oop, is that a 38? Oh, my bad, it's a 33... have fun guys." He continues his slow saunter to the teachers lounge where there is a massive teacher/staff party. He opens the door and beams of multi-colored light flood out onto the almost empty halls. He shuts the door behind himself and Ms. Benson, the librarian, grabs his hand and pulls him onto the dance floor...."aaaahhhhh.. FREAK OUT!"
"Yo, D - if you ain't got my back tonight, I don't know if I can let you date....her." Derek's "friend" holds the gun closer to his head. Derek, who has obviously gone to a different school for English class, replies with a professor-like attitude. "First of all---G--- (he rolls his eyes) "ain't" is not a word. And no, I don't have your back tonight. I will hang out with you and your "peeps" (he does the quotes thing with his fingers) but I am not going to hurt anyone. This highly violent culture has obviously intoxicated you in an irrepriable way."
"Dude...huh?" Home-G-Doggy-Dog Bone looks confused, but Derek continues.
"And please don't "diss" Sarah... there's something going on with her and I need find out what it is."
*** Later that night...***
With the covers pulled up close around her, Sarah cries uncontrollably. (Movie critics still wonder to this day how Julia Stiles has perfected the art of weeping with no facial expression.) Derek sits by her side as she sits up and immediately stops crying. "My mom died" she says bluntly as she clips on her new 7-ft hoop earrings and drops her fake ID into her purse... "now let's go do 'diss thang!" They jump up and start to do their synchronized dance (AGAIN) but then luckily TBS goes to a commercial.
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