Re-Post from Ferret

I was looking over random Blogs just now and happened upon this one. I thought I'd post an article that I found extremely intriguing and comical. Enjoy.

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Thursday, October 13, 2005
Discovery Channel and Cookie Cutters

Sometimes, I wonder how man is made. I mean, I understand how the first man was made – God took a clump of dirt and turned him into Adam. How bad*** is THAT! The Lord straight up picked up dirt from the ground and breathed life into a fully-functional, breathing homeboy. That’s stuff you can’t even see on the Discovery Channel. (On a side note: God is obviously THE Amazing One, but the Discovery Channel is probably the second most amazing thing in this world. Last week, I saw a high-definition documentary of killer ants running around in a remote Amazon forest attacking and devouring full-grown deer. How do the people who make the show know where these antihills exactly are? Do they have a dedicated ant-man photographer whose life is dedicated to finding the biggest killer ant underground colony? And evidently, these killer ants have been known to kill people – so isn’t it a good idea to stay away or at least be armed with a keg-sized barrel of extra-strength Raid? They need to have a Discovery Channel documentary on the Discovery Channel itself. Seriously.)
But back to God – I kind of wonder how he decides what each face is going to look like. I mean, for sure, 99 out of a 100 times, the face is going to have two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth. But how does he decide specifically what each face is going to look like? Can’t you imagine him on something like a heavenly computer, drawing up each face on Photoshop in His infinite wisdom? Or if He’s less technologically inclined, just molding each face out of clay au naturel with His loving hands?

I mention this, because it's evident that I have the most common Asian face in the world. I’m not particularly bothered by it – God made the face so I can’t really complain I guess, even though I wouldn’t mind if it bore more resemblance to Denzel Washington or someone like that. But I almost feel like my face was made out of the Typical Asian Heavenly Cookie Cutter Pan. Squinty, bespectacled eyes, no-bridge nose, indistinct mouth, slightly dumbo-ish ears… if I were a runaway criminal, I’d seriously never get caught. Can you imagine the police report?! “Please look out for a 5’9 Asian man with short spiky hair and glasses. ARMED AND DANGEROUS!” HAHAHA

Everyone knows somebody else who looks just like me. I always hear, “Omigosh, you sooo look like my cousin,” or “You totally remind me of this friend I have back at home.” If people were cars, I’d be a silver Honda Accord – every person knows an Asian who drives one. All this is all fine by me – I have enough self-evaluation skills to know that I’m not a particularly special or good-looking person. But my cookie-cutter face leads to some awkward situations.
For example, I went to a Chinese restaurant yesterday to take some food home and play some NCAA Football 2006. When I went to the register to pay, the Korean woman asked me how my grandfather was doing. That was odd because neither of my grandfathers had ever stepped foot in her restaurant before. I told her that she must be mistaking me for someone else.
But this lady wouldn’t believe me! “No no no, your grandfather comes here all the time. He’s very good customer!” It was a long day at work, my stomach was growling and my Heisman season was waiting for me at home - not surprisingly, I lost my patience. “Ajumah, one of my grandfathers passed away when my dad was eleven. The other grandfather passed away ten years ago and never stepped foot in America. I might look like someone, but its not me!” (I think my eyes got all misty too because I envy other people who had their grandparents around growing up... but that's a whole nother story)
The woman looked extremely shocked and stared blankly at me. Then she cleared her throat and murmured, “Oh no… he passed away. Your sisters must be really sad – and he was such a good customer…” HAHAHAHAHAHA... unfreakingbelievable...

Maybe one day, all the people who look like me can get together and have an Asian Cookie-Cutter Face conference. We can get to know each other by playing goofy ice-breaker games, take pictures in various clone-like poses and have seminars on how to effectively deal with people who mistake you for someone else… I’m sure it’d be a blast.
But let’s get one thing straight - I don’t look like them... THEY look like ME!
President of ACCFA (Asian Cookie-Cutter Face Association)Chris 'JAYHOON! JAYHOON! *fists pumping in air*' Jung

posted by ferret at 9:31 PM 0 comments