Annoyance.

Things that annoy me, include, but are not limited to, physicals. What also annoys me (and unnerves me) is walking in to an office / urgent car facility where there is NO ONE else… I am the only patient. I want to ask Carrie, the annoying receptionist, “Why does no one come to this office? Are you out of vaccines? Are you out of MDs? Are you out of your minds?” But this is the place I must come… this is the day I must have my DOT (Department Of Transportation) drug test and physical.

I follow my nurse as we round a corner and stop at a small sink. Even though we aren’t that far from the front desk, she looks at me and practically shouts, “WE’RE GOING TO DO THE DRUG TEST FIRST.” Picking up a plastic cup, she continues, “I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO PEE IN THIS CUP” – and she points to a wobbly black line she has marked – “UP TO HERE. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN GO RIGHT NOW?” I assure her that, yes, I can use the bathroom… and almost wanted to quickly mention, “Hey, Lisa or whatever your name is… we are inside, so let’s use our inside voice, OK? And thanks for letting the entire waiting room know that I am about to pee in this cup.” Taking the cup from her (after washing my hands, of course) she reminds me as I step into the bathroom “NOT TO WASH MY HANDS.”

So now here I sit… waiting in a backless gown for the doc to come in. I hate physicals, although this has been one of the easiest so far. Out in the hall (before I put on my backless fashion gown with super glitzy sequins and a satin fringe) I sat on a stool like as black thing was stuck into each ear. “Raise your hand when you hear a tone,” the nurse said. Straining to hear, wondering how loud the tone might be, an RN walked by and began rustling some papers by me. Did I miss it? Why were we doing the hearing test out in the hall? Apparently it was to make it more of a challenge. After this test I was led to the door outside Exam Room 5 and told to look up at the colored flags by the door. “Please read me the colors you see,” Laurie (or whatever her name was) shouted, hands on her hips. I looked up and cringed… was there some sort of trick? I hoped not. I spoke slowly, as if expecting myself to get a few wrong, “Red… Blue… Green and… Yellow.”

“Very good.”

So here I sit… waiting in a backless gown for the doc to come in. Suddenly the door opens and a short doctor enters, introducing himself as Dr. Barnuckle or something. It goes well, and I leave excited… this was the first physical where I didn’t have to bend, turn or cough.

Shaka!

Does the word "Shaka" mean anything to you, other than the middle of a cool chant? (boom shaka laka). Well, it means much more than that to me, and I would like to take this opportunity to tell you about Shaka... Mrs. Shaka.

"Pliss ga tu chopta fo in yo buke. ...section fo dote two. We weel look at deceemol pwoints een reation ta mooltiples of fo noomda sequences." Shaka walks to the chalk board, picks up a small piece of chalk and begins to etch white scratches all over it. When half the board is covered, she begins her very famous "Diss Means Diss" teaching method. Pointing to one equation (that she has written wrong then re-written twice) she says, "Diss" - then points to another set of numbers - "means diss." That is the start of the next 15 minutes... she continues to point to sets of those white chalky marking (they seriously look like Hebrew to me) and say, "Diss means diss." Periodically she asks, "Doss anyone hoff any questions?" Of course the whole class has questions, but no one says anything. We are all too far lost to catch up now.

So I go to the Student Success Center... which should be named the Student's Who Are Crappy at School... Center. I sit down at a small table surrounded by others like myself - students who are lacking in a certain areas of their education. Behind me a kind girl is teaching a middle-aged man how to open a word document on a computer. I try to ignore them. My tutor, a small Asian man who works part time at a coffee shop opens my book and says, "Let's start at the beginning." Then he points to an equation and says, "Try this one." I have absolutely no idea what the problem means, or even if the book is upside down or not. I tell him that I am lost, and he says, "Well if you can't do this one, you can't do any of these!!" Oh really? This guy's a genius. So I sit there and he tries to explain 8 chapters of math to me in 20 minutes. It works.... poorly. I leave him by saying, "I'll call YOU."

One day in class Shaka was in a good mood. She was laughing at some kids who were saying something funny. One of the girls made some slightly teasing remark to another guy. Shaka said to him, very loudly, "You should smack her in the face!" We all just stared at her. What does that even mean?

On the last day of class, I walked up to hand in my final. I looked at her and said very politely, "Thank you." She looked at me and said, "...OK..." and I walked out. Awkward.

Dear Shaka,

I would like to thank you for making my first semester at NCU so enjoyable. Thank you for understanding me when I came into your office for help. It really helped when you just stared at me for like 5 minutes before I left. I really used that help to improve my mathematics. And thanks for keeping on schedule... like the time there were THREE people waiting outside your office for you and you didn't care... or when you were 10 minutes late for the last class... or that one time when I asked you EVERY DAY for my grade and you kept mumbling something I couldn't understand. Thanks for always keep your homework organized, like the one time I had to re-do an assignment because you lost it. That was really nice. Oh, and thanks for speaking so clearly with nice word pronunciation so that we could all understand that when you said the word "Schot" you meant "Chart" or when you said the word "Propershonit" you meant "proportionate". It was so nice to have a teach who knew how to speak so clearly and eloquently! Thanks also for the fact that I learned absolutely nothing, and that I had to have a team of 3 other people to help me BARELY GET BY with all the assignments.
But thank you most of all, Shaka, for THE B I GOT IN THE CLASS!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I CAN'T FLIPPIN BELIEVE IT I GOT A B IN THE CLASS! AGHHHHHH!!!! YES!!!!

Sincerely,
Jeremy