Annoyance.

Things that annoy me, include, but are not limited to, physicals. What also annoys me (and unnerves me) is walking in to an office / urgent car facility where there is NO ONE else… I am the only patient. I want to ask Carrie, the annoying receptionist, “Why does no one come to this office? Are you out of vaccines? Are you out of MDs? Are you out of your minds?” But this is the place I must come… this is the day I must have my DOT (Department Of Transportation) drug test and physical.

I follow my nurse as we round a corner and stop at a small sink. Even though we aren’t that far from the front desk, she looks at me and practically shouts, “WE’RE GOING TO DO THE DRUG TEST FIRST.” Picking up a plastic cup, she continues, “I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO PEE IN THIS CUP” – and she points to a wobbly black line she has marked – “UP TO HERE. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN GO RIGHT NOW?” I assure her that, yes, I can use the bathroom… and almost wanted to quickly mention, “Hey, Lisa or whatever your name is… we are inside, so let’s use our inside voice, OK? And thanks for letting the entire waiting room know that I am about to pee in this cup.” Taking the cup from her (after washing my hands, of course) she reminds me as I step into the bathroom “NOT TO WASH MY HANDS.”

So now here I sit… waiting in a backless gown for the doc to come in. I hate physicals, although this has been one of the easiest so far. Out in the hall (before I put on my backless fashion gown with super glitzy sequins and a satin fringe) I sat on a stool like as black thing was stuck into each ear. “Raise your hand when you hear a tone,” the nurse said. Straining to hear, wondering how loud the tone might be, an RN walked by and began rustling some papers by me. Did I miss it? Why were we doing the hearing test out in the hall? Apparently it was to make it more of a challenge. After this test I was led to the door outside Exam Room 5 and told to look up at the colored flags by the door. “Please read me the colors you see,” Laurie (or whatever her name was) shouted, hands on her hips. I looked up and cringed… was there some sort of trick? I hoped not. I spoke slowly, as if expecting myself to get a few wrong, “Red… Blue… Green and… Yellow.”

“Very good.”

So here I sit… waiting in a backless gown for the doc to come in. Suddenly the door opens and a short doctor enters, introducing himself as Dr. Barnuckle or something. It goes well, and I leave excited… this was the first physical where I didn’t have to bend, turn or cough.