v12 And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain."
v13 Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"
v14 God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " (Ex. 3:12-14)
---
Months ago I asked God why his name was I AM. I ask God lots of things.
"Why did you tell them that your name was I AM?" I asked.
Then I pondered. And I thought of Moses, and the million and a half questions that must have flashed through his mind during his encounter with God. "God, I am unable to any of these things! I am unable! ...Are you?"
"I AM."
He could have called himself "I CAN" or "I WILL" or even "I AM ABLE". But instead He is the I AM. He is the currently-moving, never-resting, humble King who simply IS and never will stop. I AM.
And since He is the I AM, my questions are always answered:
"God, are you even working in me?" I AM.
"God, do you care...? Are you the one you said you were?" I AM.
"God, I am nothing." I AM.
"God... Oh God, I am not." I AM.
"God, are you within me, helping me?" I AM.
And then the questions take a deep turn, and the reality of the I AM settles into my heart:
"God... put my flesh to death." I AM.
"God, take me off the cross and wrap me in gravesclothes." I AM.
"Oh God, ressurect this heart.. this life." I AM.
I AM THAT I AM.
He was! He is! He will be!
January 24, 2008
January 23, 2008
leaves.
I drove by a tree today... a tree that still had every single one of it's leaves. It was windy too, and none were blowing off. The dead, lifeless leaves were frozen to the tree and the tree didn't seem too eager to let go.
I watched the tree as I drove by and said in my mind, "You better drop your leaves, my friend. This is the winter season, the wrong time to hang on so tightly to summer's brief life. Let go. If you don't, there won't be any room for anything new to grow."
But if I let go, I will be naked. Stuck in the cold and barren soil.
But if I let go, I might die. What if no new life grows? It's better for me to cling to the dead remnants of the past than to risk having what might never come.
But if I let go, I will look like every other ordinary tree. I will have nothing that separates me out of the forest.
But if I let go, I am admitting that I can't conjure up life on my own. I will be helpless and have to admit to myself that I just can't do it.
I drove on.
And then Jesus said to me, "You better drop your leaves, my friend. This is the winter season, the wrong time to hang on so tightly to summer's brief life. Let go. If you don't, there won't be any room for anything new to grow."
I watched the tree as I drove by and said in my mind, "You better drop your leaves, my friend. This is the winter season, the wrong time to hang on so tightly to summer's brief life. Let go. If you don't, there won't be any room for anything new to grow."
But if I let go, I will be naked. Stuck in the cold and barren soil.
But if I let go, I might die. What if no new life grows? It's better for me to cling to the dead remnants of the past than to risk having what might never come.
But if I let go, I will look like every other ordinary tree. I will have nothing that separates me out of the forest.
But if I let go, I am admitting that I can't conjure up life on my own. I will be helpless and have to admit to myself that I just can't do it.
I drove on.
And then Jesus said to me, "You better drop your leaves, my friend. This is the winter season, the wrong time to hang on so tightly to summer's brief life. Let go. If you don't, there won't be any room for anything new to grow."
January 21, 2008
mlk
Today, in honor of MLK Day, my friend and I decided that we needed to celebrate. We were at Target and decided that every time we saw an African American, we would give each other a high-five. It was very celebratory.
January 20, 2008
black.
Last week was a terrible week. I had a really good week followed by a really terrible week... and what was so terrible about it was that I simply gave up fighting. Tired. Weary. Sick of fighting, sick of feeling like I was always losing. Sick of the journey... sick of people hurting me and hating my capacity to desire to hurt others to make myself feel better.
And so, I gave up fighting. If you know any part of my story, you know this is really really really not a good thing. To not fight is to throw myself at the feet of the evil one and his demons and (if I'm being honest) sign a waver that says: "Take me, I want to die."
Not that I want to die. I, like many others, have struggled with thoughts of suicide at times in my life. These are dark times and I wouldn't wish them on anyone, but this was not one of those times. It was just me sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, for a week I bowed my knee and for a week became the walking dead. As days past I felt as if I were walking down a long tunnel... and as I walked down the tunnel it got smaller. And the smaller it got the darker it got. And the darker it got the more room I thought I had. And what's funny about this darkness was that it was darker than the color black.
Heaven must have a million colors. Think about the rainbow surrounding the throne that the Father (Abba) sits on. "And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne." (Rev. 4:3) That rainbow must be filled with a million colors we can't even imagine. And think about it... think about how the colors dance on a lake or on the ocean... water literally sparkles with light and color. Imagine in Heaven, when we are HOME, what the brilliant colors will look like. Gosh... dancing on the sea of glass! And the sparkling river... wow. Anyway, heaven must have a million colors.
So if red has a hundred shades, and blue has a hundred shades, and yellow has a hundred shades, does black have a hundred shades?
Is there darkness a that I have never known? Is the color of black during my darkest night someone else's dusty gray? How deep can black get? How low does the shaft of death plummet on this earth? I always thought I'd been through the black night, but last week as I sat in worship one night, God spoke very clearly:
"Do you need to go deeper into the dark before you look back to me?" I had a epiphany. There was something far worse. Far, far worse than I have even imagined. And God, because of His mercy, will let me (and you) go there, if it will bring us home to him.
In Romans I read that God finally gave them over to the lusts of their flesh... and I always used to wonder why in the world God did that. What a jerk. I decided that he finally gave up on them... they were hopeless. Just time to move on. But how wrong I was! The reason God gave them over... are you listening? You have to catch this. OK. The reason He gave them over to their sin ... gave them over to their complete and total debauchery and idolatry was so that:
They would come back to Him.
And He has done and will always do the same for me. If I am dead-set on my sin... that I know best and that His way just won't cut, he will, because of his MERCY, give me over. Yes, it's the hard way (for both of us) but if it's the way home, he will lead me through it. I've had two reactions toward him because of this: I have hated him, and I have loved him.
Today I Love Him. He is my Lover.
And so, I gave up fighting. If you know any part of my story, you know this is really really really not a good thing. To not fight is to throw myself at the feet of the evil one and his demons and (if I'm being honest) sign a waver that says: "Take me, I want to die."
Not that I want to die. I, like many others, have struggled with thoughts of suicide at times in my life. These are dark times and I wouldn't wish them on anyone, but this was not one of those times. It was just me sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, for a week I bowed my knee and for a week became the walking dead. As days past I felt as if I were walking down a long tunnel... and as I walked down the tunnel it got smaller. And the smaller it got the darker it got. And the darker it got the more room I thought I had. And what's funny about this darkness was that it was darker than the color black.
Heaven must have a million colors. Think about the rainbow surrounding the throne that the Father (Abba) sits on. "And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne." (Rev. 4:3) That rainbow must be filled with a million colors we can't even imagine. And think about it... think about how the colors dance on a lake or on the ocean... water literally sparkles with light and color. Imagine in Heaven, when we are HOME, what the brilliant colors will look like. Gosh... dancing on the sea of glass! And the sparkling river... wow. Anyway, heaven must have a million colors.
So if red has a hundred shades, and blue has a hundred shades, and yellow has a hundred shades, does black have a hundred shades?
Is there darkness a that I have never known? Is the color of black during my darkest night someone else's dusty gray? How deep can black get? How low does the shaft of death plummet on this earth? I always thought I'd been through the black night, but last week as I sat in worship one night, God spoke very clearly:
"Do you need to go deeper into the dark before you look back to me?" I had a epiphany. There was something far worse. Far, far worse than I have even imagined. And God, because of His mercy, will let me (and you) go there, if it will bring us home to him.
In Romans I read that God finally gave them over to the lusts of their flesh... and I always used to wonder why in the world God did that. What a jerk. I decided that he finally gave up on them... they were hopeless. Just time to move on. But how wrong I was! The reason God gave them over... are you listening? You have to catch this. OK. The reason He gave them over to their sin ... gave them over to their complete and total debauchery and idolatry was so that:
They would come back to Him.
And He has done and will always do the same for me. If I am dead-set on my sin... that I know best and that His way just won't cut, he will, because of his MERCY, give me over. Yes, it's the hard way (for both of us) but if it's the way home, he will lead me through it. I've had two reactions toward him because of this: I have hated him, and I have loved him.
Today I Love Him. He is my Lover.
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