Little Billy Barnes

The first thing I'd like to do is apologize... I've abandoned my Blog (and my multitude of screaming fans) for about a week and a half. My deepest apologies. As a peace offering I'd like to offer you a story --- uncovered and developed in the deep recesses of my imagination (this could be frightening) --- actually a couple different stories.... you're confused now, right? Well what I mean is I'm going to tell a story from different perspectives and in different surroundings - just for fun. You got it? It will be the same story, in different settings. Oh, never mind, you'll catch on.

ORIGINAL

Little Billy Barnes loved sledding. He did it almost every evening during winter break, and after opening the best gift ever on Christmas (a SSSuper-Sled) he was so excited to sled, he jumped up and down and screamed. "Dad! Take me to the sledding hill! Please! I can't wait any longer!
"All right, Billy Barnes! Settle down a minute! Let me finish up this paperwork!" his dad laughed.
They arrived at the hill a little past 8, and sled for the next two hours. His new SSSuper-Sled rocked! It was the fastest sled on the hill and he was the envy of all the kids.

REBELLING ADOLESCENT

Not-so little Billy Barnes loved sledding (although he wouldn't admit it to anyone). He snuck out almost every weekend during winter break to do it. After opening the worst christmas gift ever (it was one of those RETARDED SSSuper-Sleds for babies) he was so mad, he stalked off to his room and turned up his music really loud. After a while his dad tried to break the silence.

"Hey...uhhh, Billy! You want to go sledding with your new sled?" His voice was tentative.

"WHAT!?" came the reply, "I'M NOT A STUPID BABY, DAD! GOSH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE ME WEAR AND DIAPER AND HUG ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT...GOOOSH." That made his dad angry. "We are going NOW."

They arrived at the hill a little past 8, and sled for two hours. Billy's friends pulled him tot he side. "Whoa, that is SO cool! You're dad is awesome!" Billy glanced at his father who was talking to another parent. "I know," he said smuggly. "I asked for it and they got it for me. Actually I had to MAKE my dad bring me here."

AMISH

Little Billy Barnes would have loved sledding. But churning butter always came first. After opening his best present on Christmas (a new horse hitch for his pony, Star) he was allowed only to sit and look at it... but he was ever so grateful. He looked at it all that night before quickly feeding the chickens, cleaning out the horse stables, watering the garden, pruning the carrot plants, pressing and churning butter, kneading dough, making a fresh snappleberry pie, re-shoeing the horses, tending the hearts of sheep, harvesting 16 acres of corn, and then going to bed.

He woke up a little past 8.... in the evening. They had to get up so early it was the day before... Pa said that the cows utters would swell to an unhealthy size if they didn't milk the cows ever so gently. Oh how he longed to stare at yet not touch his new present...

GANGSTA

Little Billy Barnes loved sledding, ayite? He was down wid it almost every night wid his homies in his neigh-da-hood. After opening the most jacked-up present he had, he yelled, "Ayite, yo! I'm down wid' dis! Dis is tiiiiight!" Then he called the rest of the gang and they met at he sledding hill. On his way out the door his dad said, "Hey, son, can I come along for the ride?"

"Uhhh, no pops, we gots some'tim go'in doooown, tonight, ayite? We be chillin late---er."

He met he rest of the gang a little past eight, and they set up for the drive by. Using the sled as a bullet-blocker, they beat the other gang by at least 5 bullets. "This is tight!!!" Billy yelled.

OVERLY DESCRIPTIVE

Little Billy Barnes loved sledding. He did it almost every cold, lonely evening during winter break, when the snow drifted so softly to ground, landing there like tiny white flower petals, resting their heads on the frozen ground, and after opening the best, most thoughtful, nicest, coolest gift ever on Christmas (a SSSuper-Sled) he was so extatically excited to sled, he eagerly jumped up and down and screamed. "Dad! Take me to the sledding hill! Please! The one with the soft snowy paths where I can run and romp up and down the snow paths with my friends that I have become so close to from these years of troubling schooling in which I didn't excel at at first but then accomplished partly due to their support... I can't wait any longer! "All right, Billy Barnes! Settle down a minute! Let me finish up this paperwork!" his dad laughed heartily.

They arrived at the cold, snowy, populated hill a little past 8, and sled for the next two hours. His new SSSuper-Sled rocked his world! It was the fastest, dartiest, quickest, sneakiest sled on the hill and he was the envy of all the kids (kids with red hats and blue hats and coats and sweatshirts and fat kids and skinny kids and kids with zits on their face and kids who were ugly and kids who were nice and plumply huggable and kids of all (most) races.