God in an Eyedropper

…Same small boy, seen as a speck from the plane window. Sitting on the step of his house, looking weary and forlorn. He looks up, as there suddenly appears a 35-foot tall giant standing next to him, dressed in high-fashion roman robes, looking down over a very organized clipboard. Slowly shaking his head he picks up a dangling pen and puts another check in the “Lack of Joy” and “Little Faith” boxes. I stare up at him looking foolish and feeling like I was caught doing something wrong. This is my god.

As a performance oriented human being, I constantly rate and re-rate my performance on various levels. What I thought about how I did, how others might think about what I did, how “professional” my results are, how neatly I’ve finished an assignment, how neatly other might think about the assignment I finished, etc. etc. Since I constantly rate and re-rate and re-re-rate how “good” I do things, I pick up a very bad habit: I “rate” how good I am before God, and more specifically how much grace I deserve.

I came to this realization at a Bible Study at the beginning of October. A friend was praying about something or other when I had a great revelation: I have put God’s grace in an eyedropper.
God: the Infinite. God: Salvation. God: the Source. God: the Almighty.
God: Squeezed into an eye-dropper?

I come before God with a whole list of directions about how I am to “receive” from him. Somewhere in the back of my mind (or heart?) I have already worked out how much I have “sinned” or done poorly in my devotional faithfulness, or whatever, and how much forgiveness I will need. I have already worked out that I’ll need to ask forgiveness, receive some pardon (drip drip) and then feel at least 31.5% better than before I prayed. If not, I will not successfully be able to move on in forgiveness. For if I haven’t felt it, then it definitely has not been done, right? …right? ………………right?

But somewhere so close is a waterfall. It is a literal down pouring of a love, a Grace so drenching, so rushing, so overwhelming that a human mind cannot comprehend it. And God does not ask or even want us to understand it! All he wants is for us to walk into it. Walk under it, and be soaked through by it.

I came to the realization that I stood quite close to this waterfall. And all along I have been claiming that I know best…
“No, you don’t quite understand, God. I don’t deserve much more than a few drops from that dropper there. I’ve done rather poorly lately, and you don’t have much patience for people like me. So, if you don’t mind, a few drops will do… just to get me by until next time.” What a fool I have been! I have been, as C.S. Lewis wrote, one of the idiots playing with my mud pies since I can’t imagine what could be meant by a holiday at sea.

I came to the realization just now that I still stand quite close to the waterfall. And I think that God is asking me to step out from under the eyedropper, and step under that rushing, drenching waterfall.

And hear this, friend, it is not because we deserve it… no! It is because we are loved. Only because we are loved.

Join Me...

Sit down with me... across from me, and watch as I tuck my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on top of them. I'm not sitting here because I have nothing to do, and I'm not sitting here because I sprained my ankles. I'm sitting here because my soul is tired... weary and worn out. And all I want to do is sink. And lay down my head and fall into a deep, dousing sleep where I can escape - where I can be freed from all of the thoughts spinning through my mind - free from all the worries and expectations and problems with myself, and all the hurt that I feel.

I spent last spring and early summer looking up at the sky, watching the planes blip across the dark night sky... you would have seen me following the jet stream with a concerned longing to be on that plane... be there - be away from where I was - be... gone. I remember hiking on a trail last spring and I just kept looking up at the planes... there were so many, too, flying in every direction away from where I was. So many planes… all offering me a ride to another place.

I tend of run away in my mind. I run away from where I am, even through my imagination. I imagine I am gone, and so I am. I spent those cold spring months having to deal with so much inside me, and I thought I would explode. And all I wanted to do was to drop it all - screw it - and escape... escape to anywhere, even to a non-reality that deep down I know wouldn’t fix a thing.

I'm there again, unfortunately. I put on this great facade of smiles... happy jokes... lots of laughter. But if you were to take a microscope (souloscope?) and look inside, you would find me in this moment of frustration, ravaging questioning, and heavy weightiness of weariness. I am honestly weary of being so....................... Imperfect? What a way to say it... imperfect. I'm sick of feeling like there is so much that I'm not. So much that I could have done differently. So much improving to do. I'm sick of feeling like I do so little right.

I caught myself staring up at a plane tonight, imagining myself in seat 16B, looking out the tiny window onto the city of Bloomington, where a small, tired boy looked up at me. It was traveling Southeast, probably heading toward Miami. It was headed to somewhere that is not here. And it looked so good.

I look up and think about planes more than God. And for some reason a plane can offer me a tangible escape that, even though I'm told otherwise, God doesn't seem to be able to. I read the Word and I believe, I pray and God does answer. But why is it I sit here and so many "earthly" options seem better than Him? Is it because I can stub my toe on them? Why do I prefer what is tangible to what is intangibly profound and life changing? I seem to settle for second (or seventeenth) best and not be bothered by it. Maybe it is because it's safe and I don't need faith for it. I don't know. I just know it isn't working.

I long to find life. I yearn to know freedoms that I haven't even dreamt of. And I think I will, but I'm not convinced, yet. I feel driven away from what was killing me (sin), but strangely enough driven from what can save me. I feel driven to escape... to find something different than what is now. And I think it's good and bad. And now I think I have begun to ramble, so I will close.

Thanks for sitting with me.

It's that time of the year - the time when the cold, whipping wind chaps your lips and gives you that oh-so-crusty look. Personally I have at least 4 different tubes of Chapstick (xtra moisture) at various places. One in my room, one in the kitchen, one in my backpack, and a few in the car (there's something cool about putting frozen Chapstick on... Seriously, try it.) I was sitting in class today and thinking about Chapstick. I looked over to see a fellow student smothering his lips with Chapstick... I mean, this kid was serious about the moisture meter too, because he did like 12 layers. He was thorough. A few minutes later I noticed another student across from me. She pulled out her Chapstick and kept it in the lap-area while de-lidding it. Then (as if she were on a secret mission) she thrust her arms up from behind the desk and quickly applied several layers to her lips. Then she returned the tube to her lap, and right before she snapped the cap on, she pulled it out for two more layers! She was a sneaky one...

So how do you apply YOUR Chapstick? Laps or Shuttle Runs? (Laps means you keep the Chapstick on your lips as you go several times around your mouth while keeping tube-to-lip contact. Shuttle Runs means you go back and forth several times on the either the top or bottom lip and then switching.)

I definitely am a Shuttle Runner. What about you?