God in an Eyedropper

…Same small boy, seen as a speck from the plane window. Sitting on the step of his house, looking weary and forlorn. He looks up, as there suddenly appears a 35-foot tall giant standing next to him, dressed in high-fashion roman robes, looking down over a very organized clipboard. Slowly shaking his head he picks up a dangling pen and puts another check in the “Lack of Joy” and “Little Faith” boxes. I stare up at him looking foolish and feeling like I was caught doing something wrong. This is my god.

As a performance oriented human being, I constantly rate and re-rate my performance on various levels. What I thought about how I did, how others might think about what I did, how “professional” my results are, how neatly I’ve finished an assignment, how neatly other might think about the assignment I finished, etc. etc. Since I constantly rate and re-rate and re-re-rate how “good” I do things, I pick up a very bad habit: I “rate” how good I am before God, and more specifically how much grace I deserve.

I came to this realization at a Bible Study at the beginning of October. A friend was praying about something or other when I had a great revelation: I have put God’s grace in an eyedropper.
God: the Infinite. God: Salvation. God: the Source. God: the Almighty.
God: Squeezed into an eye-dropper?

I come before God with a whole list of directions about how I am to “receive” from him. Somewhere in the back of my mind (or heart?) I have already worked out how much I have “sinned” or done poorly in my devotional faithfulness, or whatever, and how much forgiveness I will need. I have already worked out that I’ll need to ask forgiveness, receive some pardon (drip drip) and then feel at least 31.5% better than before I prayed. If not, I will not successfully be able to move on in forgiveness. For if I haven’t felt it, then it definitely has not been done, right? …right? ………………right?

But somewhere so close is a waterfall. It is a literal down pouring of a love, a Grace so drenching, so rushing, so overwhelming that a human mind cannot comprehend it. And God does not ask or even want us to understand it! All he wants is for us to walk into it. Walk under it, and be soaked through by it.

I came to the realization that I stood quite close to this waterfall. And all along I have been claiming that I know best…
“No, you don’t quite understand, God. I don’t deserve much more than a few drops from that dropper there. I’ve done rather poorly lately, and you don’t have much patience for people like me. So, if you don’t mind, a few drops will do… just to get me by until next time.” What a fool I have been! I have been, as C.S. Lewis wrote, one of the idiots playing with my mud pies since I can’t imagine what could be meant by a holiday at sea.

I came to the realization just now that I still stand quite close to the waterfall. And I think that God is asking me to step out from under the eyedropper, and step under that rushing, drenching waterfall.

And hear this, friend, it is not because we deserve it… no! It is because we are loved. Only because we are loved.