April 30, 2006
April 28, 2006
Jargon at a Christian Bookstore
***This actually happened many many months ago... I just haven't thought about it for a long time.***
"So I'm at Northwestern Bookstore, buying some books for my trip (to CA). I hear (from across the store) this man talking loudly to the cashier about a singer whose music he really enjoyed.
"I don't know if you are into music, but this guys is the best singer! He is incredible! He has supernatural talent!" I chuckled to myself... why is it that people in Christian stores feel the need to use "spiritual" puns? Oh well. But it gets better.
I'm waiting in line to check out, and this guy two people in front of me picks up this CD that is sitting on the counter. "WHOA!" he shouts, "This CD is so cheap! It's sinfully cheap!" I almost burst out laughing and had to look down... he didn't even laugh - he was serious! Oh, but yet it gets better!
After that guy left the next lady walks up to my cousin Nikki and gives her the books (or whatever she was buying.) Nik told her the total and there were some odd cents. The lady digs in her purse, pulls out some loose change and says, "I've got the 81 cents! It's a divine appointment!" She was serious too! These people! AGH! I got into my car and burst out laughing... only to be followed by the new cashier who never handed me back my check card."
"So I'm at Northwestern Bookstore, buying some books for my trip (to CA). I hear (from across the store) this man talking loudly to the cashier about a singer whose music he really enjoyed.
"I don't know if you are into music, but this guys is the best singer! He is incredible! He has supernatural talent!" I chuckled to myself... why is it that people in Christian stores feel the need to use "spiritual" puns? Oh well. But it gets better.
I'm waiting in line to check out, and this guy two people in front of me picks up this CD that is sitting on the counter. "WHOA!" he shouts, "This CD is so cheap! It's sinfully cheap!" I almost burst out laughing and had to look down... he didn't even laugh - he was serious! Oh, but yet it gets better!
After that guy left the next lady walks up to my cousin Nikki and gives her the books (or whatever she was buying.) Nik told her the total and there were some odd cents. The lady digs in her purse, pulls out some loose change and says, "I've got the 81 cents! It's a divine appointment!" She was serious too! These people! AGH! I got into my car and burst out laughing... only to be followed by the new cashier who never handed me back my check card."
April 22, 2006
That Kid Part II
That Kid Returns
Thanks everyone – your deliciously entertaining comments and stories have entertained many! I have decided that now is the time to continue the That Kid Bios, and will definitely include your stories and Kids along the way.
I mentioned early on in my first post of That Kid that I would briefly talk about That Kid Groups of totally random kids, coming together to form one new breed of Kid. Here is a simple recipe for a That Kid group:
1 lanky girl
1 smelly kid
1 large round kid named Jeff
+ 1 Asian kid
= Random Group of That Kid
Another equation could be:
1 normal kid
3 smart kids
1 kid that passes his classes only because of the 3 smart kids
+ 1 kid who’s relative teaches at the school and gets free food in the Deli
= Slightly normal Group of That Kid
Let’s move on and look at some That Kid’s in YOUR life:
Chris said…
“One kid that seemed to show up in every class I was in from high school to play college was "Old Kid". "Old Kid" describes a kid exactly as that moniker implies—a kid that even though he swears to be your age or close to (plus he's in a 12th grade/freshman class) has got to be at least 8 years older than the median age. He may even be balding or carry a briefcase. This is a guy who you'd find golfing with your Uncle not learning basic chemistry with you. Do you think "That Kid" types grow up to be "That Guy" types? You know "that guy". That guy who's always showing up in lesser-known movies or TV shows? Or maybe just a guy that you keep seeing from across the room no matter where you go...you kinda know him from somewhere and maybe remember his name but not enough to strike up a conversation—yet there he is at the gas station, the mall, Target, etc.”
Nikki said…
“Oh my goodness, I can think of a couple "That Kids". The one that comes to mind is the blond kid with the long, scraggly hair. I'd just see him everywhere. I'd see him at Target. I'd see him at CUB. Then I realized he worked at both Target and CUB, so that explained that. Who was That Kid? I don't know. I'd see him at other places, and feel like maybe I should say hi or something, but then I'd realize I didn't need to because I didn't actually know him. He was just That Kid.”
Katie said…
“I have one: "Mumbler Kid". I have had (& am currently in) several classes where there is a mumbler. Someone who, no matter what comes out of their mouth, always sounds like, "Merhferttlehumblejublyhum." Yet the teacher always understands them! I mean, honestly. Everyone around is whispering to their neighbor, "What did they say?" & the teacher is already responding to what "Mumbler Kid" said! It boggles my mind. Maybe teachers have special mind powers. Oh! & I have another one: "Reading in Class Kid". I always see them. Sitting there in the back of class reading their favorite novel. Even in classes where attendance isn't taken & the only reason for actually coming to class would be to take notes. Crazy Kids.”
Jennifer said…
“How about that kid who's always with the other kid? There are certain kids I always see in pairs. It's like they have some kind of invisible bungee cord between them-- one starts to walk a little too far away and then bounces back to the other. Sometimes I see only one of the pair and start to wonder, and then start to worry where the other kid is, because the only excuse for that kid not to be with the other kid is, well, death. I wait about a second and it turns out the kid is just behind a post or something. Whew!”
Mindy said…
“You forgot Stretch Pants Kid. Even in the most non-homeschool of environments you can find one or two of these pudgy females, usually sporting pink or navy stretch pants and a shirt that's long... but not quite long enough. Somehow, glasses and uncombed hair always complete the picture, and possible a tattered, classic novel like "Jane Eyre". Before you make any comments, I'll have you know I left my homeschool pink stretch pants behind in fourth grade. Yes, I did!!!”
and…
“An international addition from India. There is one kid I swear I see all over Siliguri - I realize it's not the same one, because I see him in Kalimpong as well as Bagdogra (not that these names mean anything to you.) This Kid is Nepali, in his late teens or early twenties, has shoulder-length oily hair (ok, to be fair, I must admit it is sometimes washed) and often is brushing his teeth by the side of the road. Every time I pass, he gazes at me, with white toothpaste foam at the corners of his mouth. (Yes, this actually happens.)”
Linda said…
“Hey! I still wear stretch pants!”
Diane said…
“How about the kid with the "roots." Actually this person is not a kid because the roots aren't dark - they're actually gray. These kinds of kids show up mostly at church and sing in the choir. They become really annoying when they sit in front of you in the choir loft. From that slightly elevated position, you have to pretend you don't see that nasty half-inch of gray peaking through. The worst part of it is, is that you're hoping like crazy the person behind you doesn't notice your own faded roots. Oh well, it's still great to be one of the kids. Love, Mom”
Steve said…
“Hey, Bud, what about the "Stocking Cap" kid? You know the one who didn't feel like washing his hair in the morning and has to cover it up? Or maybe just wants to have that cool look in his band? Or maybe has a huge nose and needs to draw attention away from it? Or maybe is trying to keep the lice in one place? Or..... (Just in case you didn't quite get the point, I HATE stocking caps... unless it's 40 below outside!)”
Dropper Girl said…
“Ooooooooooooohhhh my goooooooosh I can’t believe I got totally talked about in this crazy web thing hey did you know that the like 40-page paper is due next next week…!!!!! Like seriously and I haven’t even started it I mean I already did it like 2 months ago but still it’s sooooo crazy having assignments due like all the like time and like like like like and I using your cool lingo enough ?? crazy whoa spaghetti in the caf today ohhhh wowww see you at the study thing at like 3.”
OK, even about those crazy comments! It’s time to move on to some new discoveries of that kid. The first one is Surfer Kid.
Surfer kid is tall, with brown hair. He pretty much only wears sweat pants and flip-flops. Sometimes he will replace his comfies and hemp necklace with a pair of worn jeans and a collared shirt. But this, again, is rare. Surfer kid’s voice always singsongs a question in every statement and would sound great singing with the Beach Boys. Conversations with him may include yet aren’t limited to comments like, “Do we have a quiz today?” Or “Do we totally have a quiz today?” He can even turn statements, which are impossible to turn into questions, in to questions. For instance, if the teacher were to say, “Surfer kid, please stop talking and listen,” he would reply with, “That’s what I’m planning on doing?” What? I don’t know, but he does it.
Large-Faced Genius Kid:
This kid sits in your class, always making an effort to keep his legs crossed, which he can barely do. He leans to one side, with a slight smirk on his face, making witty and sometimes aggravating comments that leave the professors saying, “Well, LFGK, if we were talking about the Aramaic spelling of the word “Ambiguous” and it’s effect on 3rd-Century Spain, then we could talk about that… but since we are talking about baking muffins, please refrain from making comments that don’t make sense.” LFGK always likes reading aloud when a volunteer is expected, and he reads every thing as if he is reading the Gettysburg Address. “Fore Score and Seven years ago, we started baking raspberry muffins…”
Clarifying Kid (AKA Katie Dugan) arrives on the scene, early, as usual. Clarifier always asks the most obvious questions. If, for instance, the class was meeting in groups of 4 (and everyone in the whole class was in a group of four, including Clarifier) he or she would ask, “Is it OK that I’m in a group of 4?” Or, as mentioned before, they will go up to the teacher after almost every class for clarity on a topic they somehow missed:
“So, I definitely need to use Times New Roman font for my paper, right? Because I thought you either said that, or Curlz Teeniebopper.
OK, got it. Now, I think you said you wanted the paper in 12-point font… and you didn’t want it in 40-point, did you?”
Or
“I’m confused Dr. Johnson, this assignment says to find a book, read that book, then write a 2-page paper on it. Can you explain that to me… I just don’t get it!” Dr. J replies, “Well, [stupid twit] find a book, read it, and then write the 2-page paper on it…” *pause
“OOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it.”
Our last Kid of the day is Teacher Kid. No one can tell if this kid is a teacher or a student. He knows everything the teachers know, and yet is everywhere the students are. He is a mix between young and old and people think he either 40 or 18. Some think he is a shape shifter and can grow an instant 40-year-old man’s mustache and then quickly turn into a kid wearing a Fubu shirt with ripped jeans.
Well, this is the end of That Kid series. My creativity wore out long ago, and I am going to rest easy knowing that out there, thousands of Kid’s roam the earth, sometimes alone, sometime in nomadic groups, scavenging throughout the US, only be spotted and tagged by you. Don’t let them get away!
Thanks everyone – your deliciously entertaining comments and stories have entertained many! I have decided that now is the time to continue the That Kid Bios, and will definitely include your stories and Kids along the way.
I mentioned early on in my first post of That Kid that I would briefly talk about That Kid Groups of totally random kids, coming together to form one new breed of Kid. Here is a simple recipe for a That Kid group:
1 lanky girl
1 smelly kid
1 large round kid named Jeff
+ 1 Asian kid
= Random Group of That Kid
Another equation could be:
1 normal kid
3 smart kids
1 kid that passes his classes only because of the 3 smart kids
+ 1 kid who’s relative teaches at the school and gets free food in the Deli
= Slightly normal Group of That Kid
Let’s move on and look at some That Kid’s in YOUR life:
Chris said…
“One kid that seemed to show up in every class I was in from high school to play college was "Old Kid". "Old Kid" describes a kid exactly as that moniker implies—a kid that even though he swears to be your age or close to (plus he's in a 12th grade/freshman class) has got to be at least 8 years older than the median age. He may even be balding or carry a briefcase. This is a guy who you'd find golfing with your Uncle not learning basic chemistry with you. Do you think "That Kid" types grow up to be "That Guy" types? You know "that guy". That guy who's always showing up in lesser-known movies or TV shows? Or maybe just a guy that you keep seeing from across the room no matter where you go...you kinda know him from somewhere and maybe remember his name but not enough to strike up a conversation—yet there he is at the gas station, the mall, Target, etc.”
Nikki said…
“Oh my goodness, I can think of a couple "That Kids". The one that comes to mind is the blond kid with the long, scraggly hair. I'd just see him everywhere. I'd see him at Target. I'd see him at CUB. Then I realized he worked at both Target and CUB, so that explained that. Who was That Kid? I don't know. I'd see him at other places, and feel like maybe I should say hi or something, but then I'd realize I didn't need to because I didn't actually know him. He was just That Kid.”
Katie said…
“I have one: "Mumbler Kid". I have had (& am currently in) several classes where there is a mumbler. Someone who, no matter what comes out of their mouth, always sounds like, "Merhferttlehumblejublyhum." Yet the teacher always understands them! I mean, honestly. Everyone around is whispering to their neighbor, "What did they say?" & the teacher is already responding to what "Mumbler Kid" said! It boggles my mind. Maybe teachers have special mind powers. Oh! & I have another one: "Reading in Class Kid". I always see them. Sitting there in the back of class reading their favorite novel. Even in classes where attendance isn't taken & the only reason for actually coming to class would be to take notes. Crazy Kids.”
Jennifer said…
“How about that kid who's always with the other kid? There are certain kids I always see in pairs. It's like they have some kind of invisible bungee cord between them-- one starts to walk a little too far away and then bounces back to the other. Sometimes I see only one of the pair and start to wonder, and then start to worry where the other kid is, because the only excuse for that kid not to be with the other kid is, well, death. I wait about a second and it turns out the kid is just behind a post or something. Whew!”
Mindy said…
“You forgot Stretch Pants Kid. Even in the most non-homeschool of environments you can find one or two of these pudgy females, usually sporting pink or navy stretch pants and a shirt that's long... but not quite long enough. Somehow, glasses and uncombed hair always complete the picture, and possible a tattered, classic novel like "Jane Eyre". Before you make any comments, I'll have you know I left my homeschool pink stretch pants behind in fourth grade. Yes, I did!!!”
and…
“An international addition from India. There is one kid I swear I see all over Siliguri - I realize it's not the same one, because I see him in Kalimpong as well as Bagdogra (not that these names mean anything to you.) This Kid is Nepali, in his late teens or early twenties, has shoulder-length oily hair (ok, to be fair, I must admit it is sometimes washed) and often is brushing his teeth by the side of the road. Every time I pass, he gazes at me, with white toothpaste foam at the corners of his mouth. (Yes, this actually happens.)”
Linda said…
“Hey! I still wear stretch pants!”
Diane said…
“How about the kid with the "roots." Actually this person is not a kid because the roots aren't dark - they're actually gray. These kinds of kids show up mostly at church and sing in the choir. They become really annoying when they sit in front of you in the choir loft. From that slightly elevated position, you have to pretend you don't see that nasty half-inch of gray peaking through. The worst part of it is, is that you're hoping like crazy the person behind you doesn't notice your own faded roots. Oh well, it's still great to be one of the kids. Love, Mom”
Steve said…
“Hey, Bud, what about the "Stocking Cap" kid? You know the one who didn't feel like washing his hair in the morning and has to cover it up? Or maybe just wants to have that cool look in his band? Or maybe has a huge nose and needs to draw attention away from it? Or maybe is trying to keep the lice in one place? Or..... (Just in case you didn't quite get the point, I HATE stocking caps... unless it's 40 below outside!)”
Dropper Girl said…
“Ooooooooooooohhhh my goooooooosh I can’t believe I got totally talked about in this crazy web thing hey did you know that the like 40-page paper is due next next week…!!!!! Like seriously and I haven’t even started it I mean I already did it like 2 months ago but still it’s sooooo crazy having assignments due like all the like time and like like like like and I using your cool lingo enough ?? crazy whoa spaghetti in the caf today ohhhh wowww see you at the study thing at like 3.”
OK, even about those crazy comments! It’s time to move on to some new discoveries of that kid. The first one is Surfer Kid.
Surfer kid is tall, with brown hair. He pretty much only wears sweat pants and flip-flops. Sometimes he will replace his comfies and hemp necklace with a pair of worn jeans and a collared shirt. But this, again, is rare. Surfer kid’s voice always singsongs a question in every statement and would sound great singing with the Beach Boys. Conversations with him may include yet aren’t limited to comments like, “Do we have a quiz today?” Or “Do we totally have a quiz today?” He can even turn statements, which are impossible to turn into questions, in to questions. For instance, if the teacher were to say, “Surfer kid, please stop talking and listen,” he would reply with, “That’s what I’m planning on doing?” What? I don’t know, but he does it.
Large-Faced Genius Kid:
This kid sits in your class, always making an effort to keep his legs crossed, which he can barely do. He leans to one side, with a slight smirk on his face, making witty and sometimes aggravating comments that leave the professors saying, “Well, LFGK, if we were talking about the Aramaic spelling of the word “Ambiguous” and it’s effect on 3rd-Century Spain, then we could talk about that… but since we are talking about baking muffins, please refrain from making comments that don’t make sense.” LFGK always likes reading aloud when a volunteer is expected, and he reads every thing as if he is reading the Gettysburg Address. “Fore Score and Seven years ago, we started baking raspberry muffins…”
Clarifying Kid (AKA Katie Dugan) arrives on the scene, early, as usual. Clarifier always asks the most obvious questions. If, for instance, the class was meeting in groups of 4 (and everyone in the whole class was in a group of four, including Clarifier) he or she would ask, “Is it OK that I’m in a group of 4?” Or, as mentioned before, they will go up to the teacher after almost every class for clarity on a topic they somehow missed:
“So, I definitely need to use Times New Roman font for my paper, right? Because I thought you either said that, or Curlz Teeniebopper.
OK, got it. Now, I think you said you wanted the paper in 12-point font… and you didn’t want it in 40-point, did you?”
Or
“I’m confused Dr. Johnson, this assignment says to find a book, read that book, then write a 2-page paper on it. Can you explain that to me… I just don’t get it!” Dr. J replies, “Well, [stupid twit] find a book, read it, and then write the 2-page paper on it…” *pause
“OOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it.”
Our last Kid of the day is Teacher Kid. No one can tell if this kid is a teacher or a student. He knows everything the teachers know, and yet is everywhere the students are. He is a mix between young and old and people think he either 40 or 18. Some think he is a shape shifter and can grow an instant 40-year-old man’s mustache and then quickly turn into a kid wearing a Fubu shirt with ripped jeans.
Well, this is the end of That Kid series. My creativity wore out long ago, and I am going to rest easy knowing that out there, thousands of Kid’s roam the earth, sometimes alone, sometime in nomadic groups, scavenging throughout the US, only be spotted and tagged by you. Don’t let them get away!
April 18, 2006
April 14, 2006
Eye See
Today I went to the Eye Doctor, Dr. Melissa. Before I went in for the actual contact exam, I was put through the classic eye tests... Including the infamous "You'll feel a slight puff of air in your eye" test. Do you know which one I'm talking about? I HATE that one! You put your forehead against this metal rod and your chin sits in this little chin dish. Then you stare directly at a little green dot. After explaining that a "slight puff" with be shot directly into my open eye, I start to quiver. My eyes know what's coming, so they want to blink. I try to keep them open so they get dry which makes me want to blink even more. Anyway, first a piece of the machine moves in really close to your eye with this machine-type whirring noise... then it back away (apparently it's measuring your vision somehow) then when you least expect it, a cold blast of air is shot into your eye... and your whole head violently explodes from it's resting space, making you look like a scared animal. I hate that air machine. And every year it nails me... not this time.
Poem to an Air Machine:
I've seen the way you look at me,
Whirring... shaking... Observing and measuring my possibibilities for Glaucoma.
Never looking away you gaze... Unwavering, unquestioning, unnerving.
Undeniable and necessary, yet cold and scary.
You get so close, oh so close, then back away.
I look eagerly into your one green eye and you...
Blow me off.
Why do you ignore my longings to view you?
Have you ever wondered why you reject me every year?
Each year is colder, stronger, more blowier.
I miss you.
Poem to an Air Machine:
I've seen the way you look at me,
Whirring... shaking... Observing and measuring my possibibilities for Glaucoma.
Never looking away you gaze... Unwavering, unquestioning, unnerving.
Undeniable and necessary, yet cold and scary.
You get so close, oh so close, then back away.
I look eagerly into your one green eye and you...
Blow me off.
Why do you ignore my longings to view you?
Have you ever wondered why you reject me every year?
Each year is colder, stronger, more blowier.
I miss you.
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