That Kid: Part III

“On Dasher! on Dancer! on Prancer and Vixen! on Dropper girl! Surfer kid! Drawing Kid and Blitzen!”

Come one, come all! Gather to hear the tales of a new semester, surrounded with creatures that elude even the most vivid imaginations… new species just discovered; thought by many to be non-existent. Feared by men – sought after by explorers - discovered by me…

…Welcome to That Kid: Part III

Coughing Kid:

I thought long and hard about this name. The Kid I’m referring to does more than make strange coughing noises. He actually makes gagging noises… noises so strange that even the professor sometimes stops his lecture and looks at him like “What the…?” So maybe “Gagging Kid” is better… but I don’t know. Anyway, Cougher-Gagger seems pretty unfazed by his turret-like coughing/gagging outbursts, and will look up through his dirty lenses with a look that says, “What? Did I miss something?” Maybe he doesn’t even realize that he does it… we’ll probably never know.

But as his classmate I have learned to look past the coughing, into the true Cougher… past the phlegm, snot, spittle and lunch residue. I’ve seen a deeper, truer heart, revealed after I mentioned one day that I was hungry. He quickly pulled out a Rice Crispy Bar from his backpack and eagerly offered it to me. …and I’ve liked the kid ever since.

Popular Girl Kid:

Popular Girl Kid is in the same class with Cougher and I. In fact, me and P-Girl are pretty tight… she listened to music on iTunes next to me in a class last semester. But this semester, PG’s popularity has blossomed (in her imagination.) She comes to class late, and is often heard replying with “…what?” to every question. Her tight, fashionable clothing and curled flowing hair reveal where her true beauty lies: in her closet. The other day in class, the entire side of my classroom was waiting for her to finish signing in on the attendance sheet (you would not believe how long it took her to make a small “x” by her name…) when she looked up and said, “Has everyone gotten this?” In unison we all replied with a loud, “No.” She look in our general direction, but only seeing small unpopular, under-trendy, smelly imps, she said, “Oh, OK” then set the clipboard down and walked out of the room, brain cells falling as she walked, leaving a trail out the door. We all stood there, dumbfounded, humiliated that we were so invisible. (Or not humiliated at all.)

I will finish my dialogue on Poppy-G by saying that I was thoroughly assured of her idiocy when a few weeks back I caught her shouting the F word in the halls of my very Christian University. But I digress…

Monotone Kid:

I’m realizing as I type this, 3 of the 4 kids I am addressing are in the SAME class! There must be some socio-cultural reason for this. But I will have to save that for another time, when I have more time to do better research.
Let us press on, into the deeply reverberating vocal cords of Monotone Kid. Monotone Kid’s voice has two tones: lower, and lower but out of tune. He uses them both simultaneously. Often Monotone Kid lulls his innocent classmates to sleep, even when answers or asking a simple question. The drone of his voice has the effect of white noise in a warm room… pretty soon all thought gos frm yr haed andu jsutsleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………’ep[k

cough, sputter…

Sorry about that. Where was I? (I love power naps!) Ah yes, Monokid. Monotone Kid is quite brash in class. He actually sits in the front row while wearing an earbud in his right ear. Since I sit behind him, I can see that while he sometimes takes notes, he usually just plays with his album artwork on iTunes, plays a rousing game of chess, or just tinkers around with his various programs. But what’s especially interesting about MK is that he does engage in the class – asking quite intellectual questions (I don’t understand them so I assume they are smart) all the while listening to his music. Quite remarkable!

Now that we have covered these 3 (all in one class!) let’s move on to one of the most annoying kids as of yet.

Gravelly-Voice Kid:

There are two Gravelly-Voice Kids in this spring semester (in two different classes, thank goodness.) One is a man, and one is a woman. Both eat fish-tank gravel for breakfast every morning, followed by a juice-glass full of playground sand. That way, by the time they arrive to class, their voices have the most gravelly-sounding grunge that I have EVER heard. Anytime they talk, the surrounding classmates instinctively grasp their throats and begin to clear them loudly, as if they have something to cough up. I don’t mean to be stereotypical, but I hold to the belief that Gravelly-Voice Kids are always outspoken, constantly asking or answering questions. In fact, it has been documented that in certain high-conversation areas, actual gravel has been left behind on the desk after the class period. In this case, the custodial staff has a certain procedure they follow (nicknamed “Code Gravel”.) Although Gravelly-Voice Kids are usually friendly, most people that meet them have the immediate desire to reach down their throat, pull out the 12 pounds of fish-tank gravel, the 50-pound Sam’s Club bag of playground sand, and remaining rocks and various corals, boulders, and rocky crags, so they can have a normal conversation.

This semester’s kids are SOOOOO interesting! Have you come across any new and exciting breeds of Kid? If so, let's hear about them!

Adios for now.