He Is Everything I Ever Wanted.

October of 2007 was a tough month. I use the word tough because it's vague, and the frustration that I felt was exactly that: vague, nameless and frustrating. Have you ever had your heart condemn you and you don't know why? It is a struggle I often face. My heart often condemns me and I have to figure out what the hell to do with it. 1 John 3:21 has been a frequent verse flying through my heart, as it ANSWERS the reality of answered prayer. Study it. Anyway, October was nameless, frustrating and often times discouraging.

The month ended at the Exodus Regional Retreat in Osceola, WI. I spent the 5 days surrounded by friends, those that I knew loved me (cognitively). And yet I found myself on the edge of exasperation as my heart condemned me to no end. And I didn't know WHY. All I knew is I felt a suppressing and overpowering weight of insecurity and shame... I knew where I stood before God - free and clear - but standing before ME was different. My heart was condemning me.

The last day of the retreat I had a breakthrough, as somehow I forced my feelings to submit to the truth and I took in a good lung-full of the truth. Immediately I stood upright before God and my heart was quiet within me. In the presence of Jesus Christ even my deceitful and fleshly heart is stilled. It has no other choice but to lay quiet when the Perfect One comes and brings the truth.

And I knew in my heart what to do right away. I walked around the room bustling with people; men and women exchanging heart-warming conference stories and sharing in close conversations, and found the two people I needed to talk to. My mentor and his wife. I pulled them aside and spoke these words: "Hi. OK, I really feel like I need to say some things to you for my benefit. You actually don't have to say anything. ...I just feel like I need to speak out the reality of this truth: that Jesus is everything I have ever wanted..."

He is everything I ever wanted.

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If you actually read this blog you probably know a little bit about me. And if you got my support letters from Outpost you probably know a little more than you thought you knew. My current journey is one of knowing Jesus Christ and walking away from homosexuality. For those of you who think that making the decision to leave same-sex attractions was a given, I assure you that is was not. Many assume it is the obvious answer, but let me be the first to tell you that it is not the obvious answer, it is the foolish answer. Let me now share the reason I have chosen to walk away from homosexuality. Actually, there is more than just one answer, but they pretty much all boil down to one. The reason is, I chose Jesus Christ first, and when I chose him, I willingly (or not so willingly) lay down my humanity. My sexuality. My personality. My identity. He is my first love, and he shall be my last.

There is nothing more foolish today than deciding to change your sexuality. And there is nothing possible about it, in a world filled with nudity, promiscuity, pornography, and dependencies. ...not to mention the satanic barrage coming from everywhere that proclaims the so-called "truths" of today. Add to those things the billion-dollar agendas and silent churches and you have the perfect environment. An environment that leaves the weakling no choice but to throw up his hands and say, "Whatever."

For those of you who know little about the gay movement (which I assume is all of you) you might be surprised to know that the majority of men and women who fill the gay bars (and are into the nightlife-type scene) were once good evangelical christian boys and girls. THAT is the reality of the struggle. Most would say, "I tried to fight it and thought I was making progress... and then I realized that I had just been suppressing everything and it was all still there." And then they do what the majority do... They throw up their hands, shake their heads and say, "Whatever." And in a few swift movements are swept away and dashed on the rocks of darkness.

So, deciding to walk away from homosexuality really is probably the most foolish thing I can think of. It is risky and dangerous, and there is always the reality of the pain and suffering that is guaranteed to come. The rejection (for one) would stop almost everyone. After making the decision to make my own sin public, several of my significant relationships were damaged, and some have never been mended. My heart hurt for a long time. Then there is the reality of personal shame. If you have struggled with insecurity you know what it's like to feel like an outsider. I can relate. And then there's God. What of this perfect and holy being? What of this just God that cannot stand the depravity of what is so imbedded into my very nature? What must he think of me?

Last summer I started my internship... and one of the requirements was that I spend 3 hours a day in prayer. I cringed. A month later I realized the reason I had been so unsure and afraid of 3 hours in prayer each day. It was not because I was ADD or afraid I would get bored. It was not because I had never done it before or because I didn't know what to pray. The simple and honest answer was that I did not know what God would say about me when I came and really just sat before him.

So what's the process of knowing God and being known by Him, to the deepness of even sexuality? For me it was quite simple, and tremendously difficult. I stopped praying what I wished I were thinking and started praying what I was actually thinking. (Caution: I am being honest.)

My mouth said, "God, I am frustrated."
What my heart actually meant was, "What the hell are you doing?"

My mouth said, "Why can't I get this right? Why am I struggling so much?"
My heart said, "This is YOUR FAULT. You made me like this... why would you do this. You call yourself a God of love. You lie."

My mouth said, "I hurt inside and I don't know why."
My heart screamed, "You are causing all of this! F*** you! You don't give a s*** about me."

Good little Christian boy? I think not. Desperate man, driven to be real before Jesus? Damn straight.

And so I faced the reality of what I really wanted to say to God... what I was really thinking... And I started saying it right to his face. (I figure he knows it anyway.) It is through that journey that has allowed God to know me. He desires honesty in the inmost parts, and that is one things I can be. Honest. Lucky for me he doesn't desire perfection or good-words or faith in the inmost parts. He desires honesty.

- - - -

And soon after exposing what I really was feeling to Him, and saying all that has bound up in my heart, I began to experience the brief realization that through all of the shtuff in my life, he, somehow, is everything that I ever wanted. And my journey now has hardly anything to do with homosexuality... it has to do with seeking Jesus and knowing his voice.

Jesus, are you still there? "I am."